Deadpool and Wolverine (2024)

I gotta get this crap out of my head.

I borrowed this from the library then sat on it for weeks hoping it
would ripen into a good movie.

I was delusional.

I kept waiting for the break-the-fourth-wall jokes to be funny. The
first time I laughed was well into the movie in which we see a discarded
Fox movie studios logo broken in the sand.

Did I miss something about Deadpool having super strength? In an unfunny
opening, he's dug up the skeleton of Wolverine, thinking Wolverine can
still regenerate, but no. Henchmen from some branch of the Time Variance
Authority (working for Matthew McFadyen, I guess) try to capture him. He
murders them all by breaking off bones to impale them on.

Uh, Deadpool should not be able to break apart that skeleton.

The opening set-piece fight is utterly meaningless entertainment-wise
and does nothing for the plot, whatever little there is.

The TVA was established to defend and preserve the Fuckin' Golden
timeline, whatever the hell that is. They control technology that gives
them god-like powers. After the Trinity test we all know what
Oppenheimer quoted:

I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad
Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do
his duty and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and
says, "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." I
suppose we all thought that one way or another.

These people are complete assholes without two brain cells to rub
together.

McFadyen, in a snit (How did he sign on for this movie for one of the
worst roles of his career?), learns that Deadpool's world is heading
toward complete and utter destruction (or his entire universe) and
decides to hasten the process. From the Acme catalog, he orders the
Maguffin, which can be used for instant destruction.

He's supposed to be the main villain or something, but in my opinion,
the entire TVA is. The audience sure finds a whiny, neurotic villain
entertaining.

A Wolverine, feeling sorry for himself, having survived the destruction
of his own universe (a different universe and a different Wolverine,
still dead in this universe) shows up wearing a costume from a much
earlier comic book incarnation, but much too late to save this terrible
movie.

The TVA has been dumping heroes and villains from other destroyed
universes into a shithole universe. D&W end up there because REASONS,
and meet evil sister-of-Professor X, who is decades younger and has
great mental power but it's not explained in plot. She controls their
exit from the universe but they have to stick a football helmut taken
off Juggernaut onto her head.

She has no need to be a touch telepath but they do a digital effect
showing her fingers inside the head of someone whose mind she wants to
read.

Another big set-piece fight ensues, nearly as meaningless.

D&W return. Deadpool now has to face an unlimited number Deadpools from
other universes. Why? Some are women, some are midgets. Why?

Another fight the audience doesn't care about ensues.

Back to McFadyen's headquaters. The Maguffin has arrived and Sister X
knows about it. Previously having no Bond-villain aspirations versus
this universe, she now wants to use it, just for the hell of it.

McFadyen, under duress, explains to Deadpool how to destroy it, which
apparently involves being Plastic Man arm-stretchy thingy into widely
spaced columns with lots of electricity, but Deadpool has locked
Wolverine into an elevator and can't help. Meanwhile, Deadpool gets
there and suddenly can't destroy it on his own and he needs Wolverine.
Instead of letting him out, we have to wait for Wolverine to destroy the
elevator cab so he can hold hands with Wolverine. Saving this universe
and destroying the Maguffin requires Wolverine to lose his shirt and
Ryan Reynolds to leer at Hugh Jackman, which isn't creepy at all.

McFadyen gets arrested. Deadpool talks McFadyen's boss into not
sending them back to shithole universe. She tells Deadpool that whatever
he did ended up putting his universe back onto the Fuckin' Golden
timeline and it's no longer going to be destroying itself. She won't
help Wolverine fix his universe as he was needed for this movie.

Plenty of worse crap in this movie I didn't summarize.