----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:31 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <
steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1612
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to
help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to
vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1612
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1607 10 votes 22330 12241 12511 21124 21340 14212 13231 11332 10333 01612
1607 3.2 mean 2.7 3.2 2.9 3.5 2.9 2.9 3.0 3.4 3.7 3.4
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-01
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <
mtlrph@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Wife made dinner. Asked me how it was, and I said not half bad, which
is my weird expression for Damned Good.
>
Apparently she does not understand weird expressions.
>
That was three days ago.
>
Where is she?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah supplicant, still your worries. You wife just went to her
} mother's. Her mother suggested a road trip, so they flew to Denver,
} Colorado and took off in a rental car, headed to Pueblo. Why Pueblo?
} Your mother-in-law's niece grows killer pot there. On the way, they
} picked up a hitch-hiker who had a back-pack with an ancient
} 1970s-vintage PC in it. The hiker said it was a magical portal to
} another dimension, and did they want to see the source of all
} knowledge in the universe. Your wife said she wasn't sure, but your
} mother-in-law said, "HELLS yes!" Next thing they knew, they were
} here. With me. The all-knowing Oracle.
}
} And I gotta say, your wife's cooking ain't half bad.
}
} Note I said "all-knowing" Oracle. I did NOT say, "all WISE" Oracle. I
} ended up with half a pan of lasagna in my lap and a 1.44 MB diskette
} jammed in my ear. She should be home in another day or two.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a receipt for a full weekend spa. Don't cheap out,
} son. Full weekend.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-02
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <
mtlrph@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
You said that I owe you a PB&J sandwich. So I made one for you.
>
But it looked so good, just sitting there on the kitchen counter, that
I ate it.
>
Then I made you another one. I ate that, too.
>
I'm eating the third one right now. Where will this end?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Where did I put my ZOT wand? Darn it, doesn't anybody straighten up
} this place any more?
}
} Oh wait, never mind. No ZOT necessary.
}
} My dear supplicant, please enjoy the sandwiches. I want you to savor
} the the subtly tart, jewel-toned essence of the boysenberry jam,
} experience the contrast between the creamy butter and the crunchy
} peanut bits (always crunchy), and inhale deeply the yeasty aroma of
} the freshly-baked sourdough bread.
}
} Think about all the steps that had to be performed for you to
} experience this little slice of heaven. The farmers tilling the
} fertile soil to grow the peanuts, the wheat, and the boysenberries.
} The sparkling clean factories that processed and canned the fillings,
} and the corner bakery who baked the bread. You know, the owner is
} still using a bit of sourdough starter that she got from her
} grandmother, who baked bread for French resistance fighters. There's
} genuine history in that bread that bears remembering.
}
} And, of course, there's the North Korean assassin who misread the
} name on his coded message and added a drop of blowfish toxin to your
} jam last night while you were asleep.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle ... um ... never mind. On the house.
}
} (And the Oracle thanks Claude.ai for "subtly tart, jewel-toned
} essence of the boysenberry jam.")
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-03
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<
daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Super Great and Expectionally Helpful Oracle, whose voice is not in the
shampoo bottle but instead removes all doubt, please help me.
>
Do you remember the amazingly attractive girl who was in my high school
history class? Her smile removed from my thoughts whatever we were
supposed to learn. (I think it was the domestic industries of Brabant
in the Middle Ages, a favorite topic of our teacher, Henry Gibson.)
>
Anyway, that was ever so many years ago, and I lost track of her. But
you, yes YOU! the Overwhelpingly Omniscient Oracle, you will know where
to find her and how to send her my message.
>
What message should I send to her? And where?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Listen, I will not help you violate that restraining order.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-04
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
I was drinking a can of Coke. Well, maybe it was Pepsi. Who cares?
>
Anyway, someone came along and picked up all the trash in the office
while I was staring at this important stuff about the computer program
I'm writing about non-equilibrium in thermodynamics as a function of
Newton's laws, and my Coke can was gone. Vanished.
>
Oh, and because I'm talking to you, and you already know if I'm lying,
I have to admit that I was actually watching cat videos. Nothing about
thermodynamics.
>
How can I get my can of Coke back? No Pepsi, please.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Right, I've had it with you. What you want me to do is to tell you to
} go on some Quest (with a capital Q), involving some mystical/fantasy
} parody about defeating the Elves of Garanthork, negotiating with the
} Wizards of Merigoth, and tricking the Owls of Arcthorn so that you'll
} find your true self, a fair maiden/bug burly hero (according to
} preference), the meaning of Life and, incidentally, your can of Coke.
}
} Well, that's not how real life works, is it?! You can't solve all your
} problems in life by going through a set of step-by-step instructions
} that bear no relation to the problem at hand. Some, admittedly, you
} can, like putting together IKEA furniture or filing a
} change-of-address notification with your bank, but in most cases you
} have to deal with real people.
}
} And that's what you're avoiding, isn't it, real people? You think you
} can type your questions into an email, and have them answered by some
} omniscient Oracle who you never talk to.
}
} So, for the last time, here's what you need to do to get your coke-can
} back:
}
} 1) Walk up to the office-cleaner who accidentally took your half-empty
} can, and say: "Excuse me, I hadn't finished that can, please could I
} have it back?"
}
} 2) Accept their apology, take the can, and walk back to your desk, and
} try to continue with your day.
}
} 3) Realise that in the time you took away from your desk, the entire
} computer network has gone down, and that it was your fault for
} watching cat videos when you should have been working.
}
} 4) Summon your boss Nagaroth by sacrificing a small goat in the
} break-out area.
}
} 5) Apologise profusely to Nagaroth, and immediately set out through
} the forests of Granthar, over the seas of Barm, between the statues of
} Veriwasquitch, and solving the riddle of the Yetis of Henswarg to be
} allowed admittance to the server-room.
}
} 6) Press the button that turns the servers back on.
}
} 7) Return to your desk, passing through the statues of Veriwasquitch,
} over the seas of Barm, and across the Moors of Jentrif (the forests of
} Granthar now being out of bounds due to tree felling).
}
} You owe the Oracle some instructions for getting take-away without
} having to talk to a delivery driver.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-05
Selected-By: David Hemming <
lightinchains@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Ad for "equestrian staples" shows a picture of a horse, but I think
it's the wrong one. Haven't they heard of "correct horse battery
stable"? It would solve more of their problems, except for the battery.
>
My car has a battery. What for a horse?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You misunderstand, seeker of stall-fed sagacity. The *correct* horse
} does not *need* a battery - he *is* the battery.
}
} The ancients knew this, hence the term "horsepower." A unit of
} energetic equivalence, born not from volts or amps, but from the noble
} sweat of equine brow. Your car's battery? A pale imitation. A shivering
} simulacrum.
}
} A 12-volt lie.
}
} Staple your horse correctly, and you won't need roadside assistance -
} you'll need oats, and possibly a curry comb.
}
} Be glad you're not riding a Teslaquine. They panic at thunderstorms and
} cost $13k to shoe.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tangle of reins braided from CAT5 cable.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-06
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Champaign or shampoo? How can we decide?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle was starting to suspect that perhaps the new sommelier had
} been lying on his resume.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-07
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<
daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
No one else can even come close, but you, The Oracular Explainer Of
Almost Everything, can fill my brain to overflowing. I need the story
of the life and misfortunate death of Thag Simmons.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Someone else who remember my old in-jokes? OK, let's talk to his old
} partner!
}
} OG! Get back here!
} - Og here! Brought spiky club! Too long, no beating supplicants!
}
} No, this is about your old friend, Thag..
} - Uh-oh.
}
} Specifically about his death..
} - Og innocent! Thag killed by dinosaur!
}
} Uh,
} - Og absolutely not murder to death with spiky club after catching
} Thag under bear skin with Ogwa! Og not now why Oracle would think
} that!
}
} No, it's the supplicant who asks...
} - Supplicant know too much! Og kill!
}
} Right. Talk to you later, Og.
}
} And supplicant, you owe yourself a good hiding place, I think.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<
daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
So I took that course in Advanced Retrodynamics. The final exam is
tomorrow. It's totally oblivious that I didn't read the book, attend
the lectures or work the problem sets. Where will the exam be held?
Maybe in 26-100? Which seat should I take so that I'll find a piece of
paper with the [correct] answers stuck to the bottom of the seat with
bubble gum? Not like that horrid experience when you left the answers
for 8.01 (physics) underneath the TMRC layout that used to be in
Building 20. (The entire damned building was finally missing.)
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh, you wanted the *correct* answers??? Well, you should have said so
} before the physics exam, that would have changed my answer.
}
} The thing is, I'm authorized to give incorrect answers to students
} trying to cheat. That I can do without approval from above. But this is
} new - a student wanting correct answers. Hmm ... let's see what the
} manual says.
}
} (Takes down a massive tome, covered with half an inch of dust. As the
} cover is lifted, several mice run out. The first hundred pages or so
} are missing, either used as nesting material or nose-blowing paper when
} the Oracle gets lazy. Hundreds of faded post-it notes mark saved pages,
} but the writing on them is too faded to read. A tentacle slowly emerges
} from the spine. Screams, heavy thudding noises, six gunshots, followed
} by several more clicks. Heavy panting.)
}
} Maybe we won't see what the manual says, let's just wing it.
}
} OK, you want answers, let's get you some answers. Of course, judging by
} the Oracle queue length, I suspect that you failed this exam several
} years ago waiting for those answers. But you know how it goes, answer a
} question, take a coffee break, there's no coffee so you have to do to
} the Oracular grocery store, which happens to be closed for deep
} cleaning, whatever that means. Last time I tried to clean anything
} deeply, I got a slap across the face.
}
} So let's skip the whole bubble gum thing and get straight to it.
}
} B
} A
} D
} B, and also D for odd values of "i"
} 973.25
} Thursday
} C
} Henry Kissinger
} CH3COOH
} 47 yards of black electrical tape
}
} You owe the Oracle a diploma from Rochville University.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <
lightinchains@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Not happy about this... I snubscribed to your "Earworms You Like" (a
service mark of Orrietunes Ltd) and requested Cocktails for Two as
performed by Fred Waring or whoever.
>
You gave me whoever, namely the Spike Jones version. Complete with the
gargle.
>
Please give me a better replacement. And not Purple People Eater or the
Polka Dot Bikini. Something else, dammmmmit.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ahem...
}
} Answers for sale or rent,
} Zot you for just 50 cents
} No w**d, no ch*cks, no pets
} I ain't got no schoolwork left
}
} Ah, but, two hours of draining queue
} a thousand zottings left for you
} I'm a man of meaner than real mean
} King of the Net
}
} I sing, Answers for sale or rent,
} Zot you for just 50 cents
} No w**d, no ch*cks, no pets
} I ain't got no schoolwork left
}
} King of the Net!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 May 25 18:13:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1612-10
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
You were talking about fiat currency, and I thought you meant FLAT
currency, printed money. Then I realized you said FIAT not FLAT, and I
knew you were trying to say something about an Italian car, or maybe
Genesis 1:3, which if I rember correctkly was FIAT DELUXE. That means
TURN ON THE LIGHT. I tihnk that was also the Russian Soviet Lada car
but probly not the Trabant.
>
How much fiat money would I need to buy a second-hand Lada? Or a
Trabant?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The all-knowing Oracle recommends you get your eyes checked. We were
} talking about "fairy current", known more commonly as eddy current.
} This is incorrectly attributed to Eddie Haskell, famous star of stage
} and screen. It is actually a mondegreen of Teddy Currant, a special
} hybrid of the popular berry developed by "Old Ironsize" himself,
} Franklin D. Roosevelt.
}
} However, by amazing coincidence, this does tie back into your query
} about a trebuchet, the very device used by Roosevelt to sew currants.
} This device was named after the ancient Greek philosopher Alex Trebek,
} who also came up with with the classic amorphism "a penny saved in a
} penny urn", so-called due to its changes in meaning over the ages.
} Which is about how much a used trebuchet will set you back - an urn of
} pennies.
}
} You owe the Oracle some lamentations for his transformer.
------------------------------
End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1612
******************************************
Internet Oracularities Digest #1612