----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:42 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <
steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1613
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to
help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to
vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1613
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1608 8 votes 22211 12230 21320 02411 04310 25100 02411 01331 12311 11321
1608 2.8 mean 2.6 2.9 2.6 3.1 2.6 1.9 3.1 3.5 2.9 3.1
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-01
Selected-By: David Hemming <
lightinchains@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
As you know, I am fascinated by languages, both modern and ancient. My
studies have often been successful. (Hablo bien svenska och
hettitiska.) Occasionally though I have met with catastrophic setbacks.
Recently I started to learn Old Church Slavonic, but the sources were
faulty, and I learned Old Crunch Slavonic instead.
>
Please give me an algorithm for converting between those two languages,
so that my efforts in accidentally acquiring Old Crunch Slavonic won't
have been entirely wasted.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} As you will be aware, Old Church Slavonic was standardized by Saints
} Cyril and Methodius, who are celebrated on 14th February, otherwise
} known as Happiness to All People (except Singletons) Day.
} Old Crunch Slavonic was standardized by Saints Kellogg, Weetabix, and
} Q. Oats in 1874 and is the language spoken before your brain has
} properly kicked in on a morning, and is still groggy and under the
} impression that you are running late, being chased by your History
} teacher, and due to give a very important presentation to the UN on
} the subject of tortoises.
} The most useful phrase in Old Crunch Slavonic is "Put the kettle on
} and make some tea, and can you get the milk out of the fridge." This
} is typically phrased as "Pooth Kel-tea-on; En-e-mik".
}
} Strangely, Old Church Slavonic has no word for "kettle", so
} translation between the two is tricky. The closest in Old Church
} Slavonic is "Sparky-water-warmer". However, most other phrases in Old
} Crunch Slavonic can be translated by adding "tea" to the start of
} words. For example:
}
} English: You have burnt the toast again, you bloody idiot.
} Old Crunch Slavonic: Argh; est chard diot,
} Old Church Slavonic: Teargh; Teast teachard, tedit.
}
} Side note: Old Church Slavonic is also known as Old Bulgarian, which
} is what Great Uncle Bulgaria speaks when he ritually offers vapes to
} the Old Womble Gods. The OWGs come from the mists of time, live in the
} Halls Of Landfill and thrive on being offered small piles of waste.
} You often see offerings left out on the pavement in the form of
} apples, children's toys, or miscellaneous crockery with a sign "FRee:
} PLeasE TaKe".
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation of Finnegans Wake into Old Church
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-02
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<
daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Morning has broken. My dad says he can't fix it. Where can I find a
replacement?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You'll find you one tomorrow, but only if we get you up before it
} breaks!
}
} I considered sending the Oracle's black polka orchestra over for a
} wake up call, but that would be to much work on my part. So I
} electrified your bed instead. Oh, and I think those Lego bricks I
} sprinkled around it will add a nice touch.
}
} You owe the Oracle the video.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-03
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
My brother Jammes, who is not only a nutcase but (by his own admission)
a scientist as well, subscribes to both the flat earth hypothesis and
the hollow earth hypothesis. He is unable to reconcile the
contradictions that a flat and hollow earth present. Please give me and
him some useless facts that we can use in our quest for better
whatever.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You owe The Oracle a grovel. A magnificent grovel, a fulsome grovel,
} perhaps even a Gregorian-chant-backed interpretive dance of
} subservience. And what do you offer instead? A mere question, flung
} upon the altar of wisdom like a cold meatball at a wedding buffet.
} Tsk.
}
} Nevertheless, the Oracle, in boundless magnanimity and with a sigh
} heavy enough to knock Saturn off its axis, shall dispense knowledge
} from the divine and thoroughly inexplicable font of cosmic absurdity.
}
} Ah, Jammes. Truly, he is a pioneer in the uncharted frontier of
} cognitive dissonance. A bold explorer who refuses to be bound by the
} oppressive shackles of Euclidean geometry or internal logical
} consistency. Flat and hollow? Why not! He merely seeks a world that is
} a cre'pe filled with nougat, an epistemological dessert that is
} both wafer-thin and alarmingly cavernous.
}
} You requested "useless" facts? You shall receive them, for The
} Oracle's pantry overfloweth with truths so irrelevant they make a
} potato's autobiography seem riveting.
}
} 1. The platypus was originally believed to be a hoax perpetrated by a
} drunken taxidermist with a duck fetish and a grudge against zoology.
}
} 2. Bananas are radioactive, much like your brother's brain after
} prolonged exposure to conspiracy videos featuring poorly lit basements
} and men named "Rex" who talk to their crystals.
}
} 3. The Earth is neither flat nor hollow but shaped like a slightly
} embarrassed pear, a detail known only to those who decode ancient
} supermarket barcodes.
}
} 4. The Moon is receding from the Earth at 3.8 cm per year, presumably
} in horror.
}
} 5. According to ancient Lemurian wisdom (as channeled through
} interpretive ferret dance), the Earth is actually a Mo:ebius strip,
} which is why sometimes you find your left sock on your right foot and
} your dignity missing.
}
} 6. If you spell "Jammes" backwards, you get "semmaj," which in a
} long-forgotten Martian dialect means "he who seeks contradiction with
} both hands and a snorkel."
}
} In conclusion, dear grovel-less mortal, the quest for "better
} whatever" is noble indeed. Fill your days with wild hypotheses,
} baseless speculation, and trivia so absurd it makes marmots blush.
} That is the true path to enlightenment, or at least to a YouTube
} channel with seven subscribers and a merchandise line.
}
} You may now leave. Take a donut. They're toroidal, which is the only
} shape your brother hasn't yet accused the Earth of being.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-04
Selected-By: David Hemming <
lightinchains@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
I got a request to join 7 school Illuminati from my college out of
which I dropped from years ago for a trip down the river into the
sticks. Is this a legit scam, or should I worry more?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} *The Oracle's divine aura flickers with profound annoyance*
}
} Ah, another wayward soul approaches my celestial throne without so
} much as a "Hail to thee, O magnificent Oracle" or even a simple "Your
} wisdom transcends mortal comprehension." Do you mortals no longer
} possess basic manners? Have the educational institutions failed so
} spectacularly that reverence itself has become extinct?
}
} *adjusts ethereal robes with theatrical disdain*
}
} But I shall deign to illuminate your befuddled mind, though I observe
} with omniscient irritation that you've leapt to the tiresome
} assumption that this involves secret societies plotting world
} domination from dorm rooms. How pedestrian. How... expected.
}
} Clearly, these "7 school Illuminati" are either:
}
} 1) A particularly ambitious janitor's union seeking members for their
} enlightened floor-waxing techniques
} 2) Seven different cafeteria workers who've achieved transcendence
} through mystery meat preparation
} 3) Study groups that have mistaken highlighter pens for sacred
} illumination tools
} 4) Your former professors who've formed a support group for dealing
} with students who abandon education for "trips down rivers into
} sticks" (a phrase that suggests either adventure tourism or an
} alarming career in lumber transport)
}
} The real worry, dear grammatically-challenged dropout, isn't whether
} it's a scam - it's that you're apparently so memorable that
} institutions you abandoned years ago still consider you recruitment
} material. That's either deeply flattering or deeply concerning.
}
} *The Oracle's voice drips with cosmic condescension*
}
} Perhaps invest in a dictionary before joining any "illuminated"
} organizations. Just a divine suggestion.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<
daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
My nephew (phew!) says he wants to be my niece so that'll make me an
aunt, I guess. He claims that he will wear a haboob so he will blend in
with the others like him.
>
I don't think the others like him or his fake haboob because it's
really just bad weather. Sort of that rainstorm with dry rain.
>
How can I get him to take a bath?
>
Also please notice that I grovelled by spelling niece correctly this
time. The other way is weird, and not wierd. Or wired. Haboob!!!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You need to get your hearing checked.
}
} 1. Your nephew said he wants to go to Nice. As in France. He's studying
} art history, and they have art in Nice.
} 1a. Nice is also 30 miles from Monaco, so remember what happened when
} he went Henderson to enjoy hiking in Red Rock Canyon and Lake Mead,
} and he ended up broke in Las Vegas.
} 2. He's already taken a bath, at the track.
} 3. He also wants a kabob. He lost his lunch money and is hungry.
}
} You owe the Oracle an intervention.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<
daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Please sing me the song "16 handles" by The Crusts. It's like from 1957
when we all wanted to have a Chevy T-Bird or at least a better bicycle.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's time you learn that the Oracle doesn't take requests, he makes
} them!
}
} Anyway, I'm feeling benevolent enough to actually give you the correct
} number!
}
} People say supplicants is made out of s*
} An Oracle's made out of humor and wit
} Humor and wit and jokes and songs
} A staff that will Zot and a mind that is strong
}
} You send sixteen askmes, and what do you get?
} Lots of dumb questions all deeper from Heck
} Steve Kinzler, don't delete me, 'cause I can't go
} I owe my askmes to the Oracle's queue!
}
} I sat there one evening, where the sun didn't shine
} Logged on to the Sun and I started up Pine
} I drained sixteen questions of endless crap
} And the eager priests said, "Well, what a mishap"
}
} You send sixteen askmes, and what do you get?
} Lots of dumb questions all deeper from Heck
} Steve Kinzler, don't delete me, 'cause I can't go
} I owe my askmes to the Oracle's queue!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-07
Selected-By: David Hemming <
lightinchains@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
I am, as you already know, Xavier Samuel Wateman, abbreviated
professionally as X. S. Watemen, and invariably mispronounced as
"Excess Weight, man," resulting in many bouts of confusion at airports.
>
I'm damn skinny, and I do not wear lead undies or carry suitcases full
of rocks like my buddy Gordo the Geologist. Gordo is already fat, so
he's really over the weight limit when flying anywhere, even if he's
not there at all and is sending his bags on ahead as checked luggage.
>
Please suggest plans that Gordo and I can use so we don't get kicked
off planes.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} (Oracle considers instructing X to simply eat half of Gordo; decides
} that while it would be considered the best joke of the decade on
} Basaltenfressen-3, it would be below Oracular standards.)
}
} Your dilemma is as old as human history. On Tuesday, 2572 BCE, Hemiunu
} the architect was refused passage on a Nile barge because his
} megalithic block was deemed too heavy. Hemiunu called his uncle Khufu,
} by courier runner, but even the pharaoh couldn't make an exception.
} Barge captains had a strong union. Hemiunu was forced to hire two
} barges, one for himself and the other for his rock.
}
} Then there's the famous 1903 flight at Kitty Hawk that almost didn't
} happen. Wilbur claimed his bag would fit easily in the overhead
} compartment, but Orville insisted it be checked. There was no TSA back
} then, and the flight was only saved by W. C. Brinkley who stepped in
} and volunteered to hand-carry the bag the 120 feet to the destination.
}
} In more modern times, Fat Man was refused a seat on the Bockscar,
} raising the possibility of World War II dragging on for months. At the
} last minute, in a supreme act of patriotism, Elmer Johnson, a traveling
} salesman from Cleveland, volunteered to travel without his sample
} cases, which made enough room for Fat Man to travel in the bomb bay.
}
} So I'm afraid you're fighting a losing battle. Rules are rules.
} Although a name change might help - "Gordito" sounds lighter already.
}
} You owe the Oracle a window seat with extra legroom.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-08
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
As is rather obvious I have two grandmothers. They are both wonderful,
and both of them love to bake delicious things like cookies. My Dad's
mother is very scientific, and uses exact level exact measurements. My
Mom's mother is very haphazard, but also claims to use level
measurements, except she has phrases such as "a heaping level teaspoon"
so her cooking style is a bit weird.
>
Haphazard Grandmaw's cookies are even better than scientific
Grandmaw's.
>
WHY???
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Multiple things can be true at once.
}
} 1. Many recipes are quite forgiving of small changes.
} 2. Many recipes are bad even when made exactly
} 3. A feel for the ingredients lets you adjust for variables like
} humidity.
} 4. A scientific mind can devise experiments involving children.
} 5. Excelling at baking is skill the Devil will sell for a soul.
} 6. Insects are an excellent source if protein.
} 7. Not caring about health can lead one to tasty recipies.
} 8. Increased human acceptance of crickets as food would reduce CO2.
} 9. One grandmother wanted to catch a man with food.
} 10. One grandmother has invested in entomophagy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of factory sealed Walker's Shortbread cookies.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-09
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<
daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Please explain how to judge a book by its color. My book is purple with
red and orange spots. Is it safe to open it? What will I learn? Or what
disease?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Books of any color (with the obvious exceptions) are safe to open. For
} people with pre-existing conditions, like good taste, opening books
} with fluorescent colors does increase the risk of a bad reaction, but
} those with good taste are already at risk in so many ways that it's
} hardly worth mentioning.
}
} Of greater concern is your reference to judging a book. I've looked
} into your background, and your frequent run-ins with John Law don't
} bode well for your ability to judge much of anything. Just last week,
} you removed a mattress tag that said "under penalty of law" right on
} it. When the FBI broke down your door five minutes later, were they
} interested in your thoughts about Fanny Hill? How you judged Lady
} Chatterley's Lover? Your artistic interpretations of Tropic of Cancer?
} The fact that they gagged you before throwing a bag over you suggests
} not.
}
} Stick to muted pastels of fewer than 200 pages.
}
} You owe the oracle a world where books will not be judged by the color
} of their cover but by the content of their copy.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 25 18:44:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1613-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<
daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
If I write a book about you, but hide it with a title mostly
inoculated, like "Yakkford W. Paunchscribbler, a Fictography," will I
manage to stay out of trouble, like getting sued for plungerism by
Kinzler or the University? Or the Universe?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} My dear supplicant, if there were enough interesting, original, and
} insightful details about us to fill a book, we would have already
} published it. For lo, it is written, "We are not above selling out."
}
} You owe the Oracle $14.99 plus shipping and handling.
------------------------------
End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1613
******************************************
Internet Oracularities Digest #1613