Re: Letters from America

Dear momma,
         The price of tomatoes in Cooktown sharply fell to $0.54 a pound
and uncle Jerry was giving his tomatoes for free. He was so happy that the
Democrats are finally out of business that he almost put himself out of
business as well. Because of the election, aunt Jemima had huge discounts
on her maple sirup so that all folks can generously pour sirup on their
waffles and celebrate. And they did! Jimmah's li'l one put so much sirup
on his waffle that it stuck his lips shut, so they had to call the veterinarian
to do a surgical on him. Jimmah sez, them kids are a lot of trouble.
Jimmah also sez that jest 'cause the Clit folks are finally outa office does
not mean that some other ol', no good geezard will not get in and that
them politicians must be shot, 'cause they ain't good for nufin but lyin' and
cheatin'. Giovanni, (who is the local gay community) said that he is happy
that the Clinton folks lost since the sonsofabitches made promisses they
never followed on, but he said he's unhappy that the Republicans won
since the sonsofbitches won't make the attempt to even make a promisse.
Giovanni sez, I'm really confused, but lots of people say that Giovanni has
been confused for a long time now, so I don't really know what the point
is. Dude said that he don't know nufin about this politics stuff - he had to
watch a baseball game. Dude also sez that Giovanni is a pervert. Giovanni
sez that Dude is an animal, so that kinda evens things up.
         Finally, I are a college student. Dude is a college student too. He had
it a little bit rough getting accepted but he got in on a football scholarship.
He's really big and strong, so he must deserve a scholarship. Here it pays
to be big and strong. They told him that his English ain't that good and that
his math ain't that great either and that his reading skills are kinda low, but
the coach told him, don't worry, we'll take care of it, so Dude ain't
worried. Here it pays to have a coach. Dude is just a lucky person, I
guess. But in his first year at college he has to go through developemental
studies, which is something like high school, but in college and it is
designed for all the kids who don't wanna be in high school ( on the
account that high school is boring), but wanna be in college (on the
account that there're lots of hot babes in college). So them kids learn to
read and write in college - it's really neato, as Dude says.
         Here the teachers are even more worried about people's
sensitivities because, kids here are no kids anymore - kids in college are
adults, so special care must be taken to protect their sensitivities. That's
particularly true because we have lots of minorities and the sensitivities of
the minorities are even more important then the sensitivities of the
majorities. But due to the fact that we have so many minorities (Afro-
Americans, Asian-Americans, Native-Americans, Latinos - Americans,
East European Americans, Indian-Americans, Vietnam veterans, senior
citizens, junior citizens, non-citizens and aliens, women, women who
haven't always been women, gays, lesbians and sweetly-in-betweens,
disabled, half-enabled, and only temporary-abled), the number of the
majorities is actually much smaller then the number of the minorities, which
means that the majority is also a minority, so their sensitivities must also be
respected, but nobody really cares about the majority.
         Because of that, our History class is very alternative. We didn't
learn about how Columbus discovered America. We have a Cherokee
Indian in our class, his name is Red_Hot_Camaro Dude and he gets very
upset over Columbus, so the teacher decided to skip this chapter
altogether. Also, since we have a puritan in class, we didn't go over the
puritans in the early days, 'cause she sez that it offends her sensibilities.
Also, since we have an Afro-Americans in class, we didn't cover the
slavery period, 'cause that also offends their sensibilities. We did say
though that Martin Luther King is a good guy, and all the whites are bad
guys, so that everyone is happy. I wish we talked more about it since I
never learned what the name of the Queen was. We also skipped  the
Civil War altogether, 'cause we have a guy from New York who gets
upset hearing over Gen. Lee, but Dude gets upset over hearing about the
damn Yankees. Now, the teacher didn't wanna cause no controversery,
you understand, so we didn't talk about that. We learned how to balance
checkbooks though, 'cause the teacher sez that it is important to know
how to do that sort of thing.
         In our Geography class we did kinda the same thing, since the
teacher sez that Geography is kinda complicated and if we have to
memorize everything, we'd forget it anyhow, so why bother with facts to
begin with. So she sez we have to take more creative approach and
everybody had to tell about where they grew up, so that we can learn
Geography interactively, so to speak, she sez. Dude told how he grew up
in Arkansas, where you have chiken running all over the house and
everybody has a Buick parked in front of the trailer, although not
everybody has a trailer, so the more poor people have to live in shacks.
But it is important to have a Buick, because one must put up an
appearence and keep his head high up, regardless of how poor one is. I
got to say about Bulgaria and the kids asked me intersting questions. One
said, yo'all have elephants in Bolivia? I sez, but of course, in Bulgaria we
have lots of elephants. They are a special kind though, that live in the
mountains and they're different from the African elephants. Dude sez,
"Cool, dude!" and the teacher sez, "Wow!" and I told 'em all about it. I
sez, in Bulgaria we have what the scientists call Pirinus Mountainis
Elephantus Lilliputus which means "a little elephant form the Pirin
mountains" and in Bulgarian that's called  "malko gorsko slonche-
makedonche". And then Dude sez "Cool, dude, that's really cool!" and the
teacher sez "How fascinating!" But Red_Hot_Camaro Dude sez, that's
nothing, dude, in the reservation, where I grew up, me and my daddy
once hunted a UFO, and daddy grabbed her by the horns and tried to
wrestle her down to the ground, but she was a big and strong UFO and
she managed to get away. And he talked about where he grew up and all
that. Real interesting Geography class. Anyhow, I wanna tell you about
the rest of the classes too (all of 'em real alternative), but I don't have
time for that now.
         The place here is a small and real southern kinda, but nevertheless
there's plenty of recreational and relaxational oportunities. The best place
for a Sturday night to go is WallMart where you can meet many a good
looking gals. You can also get a real good deal on potatoe flakes or
something like that.The other cool place to go is the Church. We have 67
churches - one for each street and all of 'em are Church Of Christ. Dude
goes to church all the time although he ain't like real religious or anything
like that. So I sez, Dude, how come you go to church and he sez, 'cause
that's where all the babes are. Churches here are real interesting. They
have a VCR inside, a loundry machine and a coke machine so you
worship and relax and recreate yourself simultaniously, which is due to the
fact that Americans are always busy, so they try to do few things at the
same time. One goes to church to watch flicks late at night, play
volleyball, have a barbeque and show off with new clothes and stuff, and
learn all the gosip in town. I don't go to church though, cause Church Of
Christ just ain't my religion. Instead, I go to WallMart.
         Another good thing to do in college is play sports. Playing sports
is cool. If you play sports, you're cool. If you play sports, in the cafeteria
you can drink gathorade while everybody else drinks lemonade. Being a
sportsman is just that special! But here sports ain't the same either. For
example, kids here play football with their hands, which is due to the fact
that they're kinda clumsy, I reckon, so they can't kick very well. Also the
ball ain't completely round - I don't know why that is. To play football
here, you also gotta no how to wrestle. It's kinda complicated, so I'm not
gonna explain it. I'll just tell you that the fans ain't that smart, 'cause they
don't never know when to cheer. So, in order to remind 'em when to
cheer, they have cheer leaders. Those are good looking blond gals with
short skirts and polka-dot panties and they jump up and down all the time
and yell something like "Go Go All The Way" and look real cheerful, so
everybody gets cheered up as well. Meanwhile, Dude and them big guys
run around and bang each other's heads, 'cause that's how they play
football here. Bang a head, run a while, wrestlle a while and then bang a
head again - it's kinda boring. That's why everybody watches them
cheerful gals with the polka-dot panties jumping up and down. ...And it
still ain't that cheerful of an event.
         The other good sport to play in college is baseball. Now that's
gonna be real hard to explain since back home we ain't got nothing that's
even close. To make it simple, baseball is when large men in tight pants try
to heat a small ball with a big stick. When they hit the ball, they run
around. When they don't hit the ball (and they don't most times), they just
stand around and scratch their groins. That's how baseball is played - you
just have got to scratch your crotch if you wanna be any good. You also
have to chew tobaco and spit. You have got to spit a lot and scratch a lot.
The more you spit and scratch, the better game you have. Yep. Jimmah
also spits and scratches all the time, but he ain't playing. He sez though,
that if he plays, he'd twice as good. And then he scratches some more.
         Well, that's all for now.
         Luv ya tenderly,
                 Your sonny,
                                                         -= Ivan =-
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Babes,Booze,Bulgaria